what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
