I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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