for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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