If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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