you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So many bounce houses so little time
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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