Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You ruined the universe
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
