Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
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Go christen that room with your naked body.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here