Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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