filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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