I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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