The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
