Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dick very happy bro
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
