I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
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