Only a mothe r could love this liver
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
