note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
