Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
