So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
