You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
