I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
