My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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