Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
