I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
