Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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