if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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