I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
