i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
