Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I deserve this hangover.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
