Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
