I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Randomize
