I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
