Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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