you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
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He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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