On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Watching her eat just hurts me
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
