Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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