thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize