Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
