dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
