that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
