An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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