Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
