I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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