Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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