Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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