So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
