he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
