Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
