I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
