I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
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I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
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I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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