The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
