Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
