it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
