I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Randomize
