Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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