I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
