i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
