I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
