I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
