Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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