Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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