I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
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Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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