I wish I could teleport
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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