My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
