I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
