i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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